Broken Heart
Brushing my teeth,I gaze into the mirror in front of me as what seems like thousands upon thousands of thoughts bounce back to me...
... some of these thoughts are welcomed, and some are not...
However, regardless of how welcomed they are, I can't help but think...
I am thinking alone again
As I continue looking in front of me as I brush my teeth, I am confronted with a reality that comes to me in waves... I am confronted with a reality that I try my hardest to ignore a reality with the persistence of a telemarketer... I am confronted with the fact...
I am broken...
"When you see me, I'm still breathing
Though a million things have died inside of me
But there's no healing without grieving
No wonder why it's hard to rest in peace"
- Jason Gray, "Death Without a Funeral"
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
- Exodus 14:14
Before I explain this brokenness, It is really important for me to clarify that there is a very fine line between sharing one's brokenness, and reaching out for pity; therefore, please understand that I truly am not seeking pity... I am simply reaching out of a deep conviction to bring into the Light, the varying pains & darkness that I feel so many, including myself, hide or brush aside.
My identity is not found in my current emotional status,
My identity is not even found in my ability to articulate it,
My identity is found in who my Creator says I am.
I also feel that it is really important to add that brokenness comes in many different ways and forms, and I would be ignorant to ignore that there are many reading right now that feels absolutely broken in the core of their being. Many reading right now feels absolutely no hope. Many reading right now feels lost. Many reading right now has or is contemplating suicide. Many reading right now can not even feel anything at all...
I feel it is important to be transparent about our brokenness while also inviting one another to be transparent... Our brokenness may vary, but there is a common thread in it all... We all are broken in some way And many hide this brokenness out of fear of addressing it. A hope truly does exist; However, brokenness still exists.
From the bottom of my being, I ask those who are broken... in any way... shape, or form... to grant me just a little your heart and your time while you are here reading this
For me though? My brokenness doesn't take away my ability to run... My brokenness doesn't take away my ability to laugh... My brokenness doesn't take away my ability to smile... My brokenness doesn't take away my ability to love... My brokenness doesn't define me...Your brokenness doesn't have to define you... But we must be open and honest: Our brokenness is real.
"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
- Psalm 139:23-24
Father, I'm so tired of this brokenness... I feel so shattered in so many ways!!
Can I be unapologetically honest with You?
I know that You care for our anxious thoughts (Psalm 139:23-24)...
I know that You call us to come to You like children (Matthew 18:1-5),
and I can't help but be that child, especially in this moment...
Lord, I truly feel that my heart has been shattered throughout the years and what is left is pieces...
If what is left is pieces of a broken heart?
I BEG YOU to cradle the pieces of that heart as I am honest with You!
He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
Father, My heart still breaks over my parents divorce. I still see so clearly those hard nights at 16 and I still relive the brokenness it brought... The same brokenness which You used to lead me to You. I break over seeing the rubble of "what was" every time I go home, I break knowing that I can NEVER get back the time that was squandered over petty stuff! I break over seeing pictures of my father and my mother when they were my age ... And only You know the times I break when I look into the mirror and see them in me. This is not because I am embarrassed of them, or upset at them, I am beyond blessed with the incredible parents You have given me! But I break wondering if they ever thought at my age all that they would go through... Seeing them age breaks my heart.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
Father, You know how I am terrified to be honest about this... But I beg for Grace right now and mercy for the others who have or is walking through the pain of a broken off engagement. My heart still breaks every time I relive that evening by the river where I got on one knee, shaking in fear, and asked her to marry me... You know the countless times that I've been haunted by the thought that after everything we went through, it wasn't enough... I break over every compromise and failed promise I made to her, I break over every compromise and failed promise I made to You! Only You know that to this day I still am absolutely confused and broken from the whole thing Father... I am still broken over the fact that I lost one of my closest friends and even now I have to fight the urge to call her even though I know Your Way is perfect... My heart breaks at the distance and confusion.
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
Even though I can say with ABSOLUTE conviction Your mercies truly are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23), and I know that in my weakness Your Grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9), my heart still feels broken!! I truly am thankful in this confusion and brokenness, and to this day You are & have been restoring me piece by piece, yet I still need You to stay close to me! Sustainer, sustain and come close to me in the way that only You can!
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
Father, I also can't hide the fact that my heart breaks over my mentor and dear friend that has been battling clinical depression since birth, and I am blown away that regardless of his depression... I see so much of You in him! My heart breaks over those around me that question their beauty & identity in You Creator, and I'm so tired of seeing the blind leading the blind and because of the blind they push away those who truly seek after You. It BREAKS my heart seeking so many around me that You LOVE reject the abundant life that only You offer (John 10:10). My heart breaks over the countless divorces right now and I'm so SICK of it Father!! I'm so tired of seeing the weeping of those around me, speechless and bleeding out! My heart is broken over those who faithfully seek you walk through hell and back through false accusations that threaten their image and character. My heart is broken over my friend whose mental health is failing her, and the families struggling to stay together! My heart is broken over the mothers and fathers who RIGHT NOW are grieving over their children, Jesus hold us close to You!!
"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
- Psalm 46:10
Father, My heart breaks for the families of the martyrs that day by day give their life. My heart breaks over the countless deaths that for so many come like a thief in the night! My heart breaks over the grieving hearts that feel as if the pain is relentlessly stalking them no matter when or where they go! I break over my sin that put You on the cross that You so willingly embraced! I break over our sin that makes us RUN away from You EVEN though You are the epitome of the Love we long and look far and wide for!! I break over the endless times I desire to follow You in obedience, yet I surrender to the altar of self! Jesus, You forgave us when we had NO idea what we were doing (Luke 23:24) and my heart breaks over Your Grace that You give us, and give me each second! May we be broken for Your Grace that we can NEVER deserve or earn! Come close to us Father!! COME CLOSE TO US!!!
Jesus then said,
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30
You blow my mind...
You absolutely blow my mind Jesus.
You were broken...
For me.
For us.
Yet, You still call us to come to You.
May we not hide behind our brokenness anymore...
Though we break,
May we break knowing who we are, May we break knowing WHO'S we are.
You don't ask us to hide our broken hearts,
But instead You ask us to be broken, real, and raw at Your feet alone. ...
Not at the feet of pity, ...
Not at the feet of others, ...
Not at the feet of fear,
But at the feet of the Savior... of our Sustainer.
Forgive me for breaking down everywhere else but in Your presence.
Take my broken heart... Take our broken heart... ... and give the broken hearts rest tonight
—
Brushing my teeth,I gaze into the mirror in front of me as what seems like thousands upon thousands of thoughts bounce back to me...
... some of these thoughts are welcomed, and some are not...
However, regardless of how welcomed they are, I can't help but think...
I am thinking alone again
As I continue looking in front of me as I brush my teeth, I am confronted with a reality that comes to me in waves... I am confronted with a reality that I try my hardest to ignore a reality with the persistence of a telemarketer... I am confronted with the fact...
I am broken...
but that’s okay.
Regardless of my brokenness Jesus,
I vow to take this broken heart and offer it on the altar of an identity found in You.
Use my brokenness to point others toward You.
You alone give us hope that never changes.
You alone will make me whole.
-J
*If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts,
You are beautiful
You are loved
You are safe
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
THERE IS HOPE
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and are standing by to talk and listen:The Lifeline is available for everyone, is free, and confidential 24/7:
1-800-273-8255
Click Here To Visit the Website Now
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose."
- Romans 8:26-28
But Jesus said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults,
in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
- Paul, 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
"The Lord will fight for you;
you need only to bestill.”
- Exodus 14:14
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