Learning to embrace the unknown while leaning into Who makes us whole
Errors
There's a pain in my chest here that's real, real to me now. In my brokenness may Your Grace be real too, may Your Grace truly surround and abound.
"Lord, what are You doing?? Lord, what do You want me to see?!”
Walking to the front deck of the ship that I stand on, I can't help but simply be overwhelmed. As I look ahead in front of me I find myself truly captivated by the absolutely breathtaking sunset... This dance of beautiful colors in the sky lingers in contrast to the heavy wind that is blowing in my face, the rocking of the ship, and the questions and chaos in my heavy heart.
"Lord, what are You doing?? Lord, what do You want me to see?!"
It doesn't take long for me to realize that there is almost a constant loop playing in my mind as I stand alone in a sea in the middle of nowhere.
"Jesus, what are You doing?! Jesus, what do You want me to see?!"
I continue to cry out as an even greater presence of the beauty around me makes me even more confident that my questions are not in vain... ... at this moment? The questions that I have are real... very real to me right now.
I can't help but think of the life that exists outside of this ship that is currently in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean, and I can't help but think of the crazy turn of events that led me to where I am standing now. Two years ago this trip was planned and paid for; However, that planning two years ago fell by the wayside and never happened.
Two years ago? This trip was planned as a wedding celebration ...Two months ago? This trip was a response to an email stating that my credit would expire within the coming months if not redeemed. At this moment? I'm somehow on that trip and staring at the most beautiful sunset that I have ever seen.
“..There MUST be a mistake Lord! This MUST be an error or something!! Lord, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! What am I missing!!?"
Leaning against the rails in front of me, I can't help but remember that moment where I spoke those words two years ago as I felt as if my world had just fallen apart. As I look out unto the sea, I feel myself begin to be dragged back to that moment.... where I was... what I was thinking.... what I was doing; However, at the same time, I can't help but become overwhelmed by the beautiful sunset in front of me more than my recollections of the moments that brought me here.
"No eye has seen, and no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." - 1 Corinthians 2:9
I softly begin to sing aloud a refrain of a song that was somehow awoken in my mind here as I stand alone on the front deck where the wind blows even harder against my skin:
"Jesus, Jesus, All I want is to be like You..."
I begin to allow this lyric to become a prayer as I repeat and sing it over and over and over:
“Jesus Jesus, All I want is to be like You..."
Beginning to sing louder now, I start to tremble as I think again of the blessed life that I left behind, and every moment, every step, that brought me to where I am now:
"Jesus, Jesus! All I want is to be like You!"
Overwhelmed I begin to cry, not from hurt or pain, but from a deep appreciation and awe deep within of the Pursuer that I feel pursuing me with everything in this holy moment:
"Jesus! Jesus! All I want is to be like You!"
As tears hit the front deck where I currently am standing,
I close my eyes in surrender and acknowledgment that despite my many mistakes,
despite my many errors,
the Pursuer that my heart cries out and longs for…
the Pursuer who is pursuing me even here in my breaking...
the Pursuer who was with me two years ago...
the Pursuer who helped place one foot after another in recovery...
the Pursuer who painted the skies in front of me is bringing me to my knees now!
THIS PURSUER MAKES NO MISTAKES!!
THERE ARE NO ERRORS IN HIS WAYS!!
"JESUS!! JESUS!! ALL I WANT IS TO BE LIKE YOU!!"
EVERY TEAR
EVERY HURT
EVERY QUESTION
EVERY ANXIOUS PRAYER
EVERY FALLING TEAR
EVERY CONFUSION
EVERY STEP-
EVERY SINGLE STEP HAS LED ME TO THIS MOMENT!
And here at this moment?
I would have it no other way...
Jesus, my heart breaks for the one reading this right now, who like me, is crying out to You with an ENDLESS loop of questions that flow from a breaking heart that is SO real to them right now. Meet them in their breaking and overwhelm their heart as You so often do to me! Show them where You were and where you are in their falling tears and heavy hearts, Jesus give them peace in their breaking! I pray that they feel Your presence overwhelmingly right now that they no longer let their questions overwhelm Your peace that comes in our surrender... Help us be vulnerable with You.
There's a pain in my chest here that's real, real to me now. In my brokenness may Your Grace be real too, may Your Grace truly surround and abound.
Lord, Like a boxer, You put me into sparring matches these matches are to prepare me for the matches to come.
Jesus, I am in training… ALL of us are in training.
Lord, may we rest in the fact, That You make no mistakes,
There are no errors in Your ways.
May we rest in a heart of surrender and say with every piece of our breaking heart:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
- Isaiah 55:8 8
"No eye has seen, and no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined the things which God has prepared for those who love him."
- Paul, 1 Corinthians 2:9
"Three times I PLEADED with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
